What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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