His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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