Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
