I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
