I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
