I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
