Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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