I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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