Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
