Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Houston, we have a blender
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
