And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My feet surprised me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
