wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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