My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
