Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
