Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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