I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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