I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
