We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
