I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
