Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
