How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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