Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize