he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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