do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
