Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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