Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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