I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
