I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
