Is it because I queefed?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
