I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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