i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
