it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
