The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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