Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My feet surprised me
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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