You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
