i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I am puke
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
