I think I just saw someone hide a body.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
