Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
