I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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