you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
