Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
