I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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