and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
