why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
