i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
