All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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