he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
