Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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