I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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