oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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