Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
