that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
