Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
