I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You've changed since you got that strap on
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
