also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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