Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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