I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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