i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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